I wouldn't exchange my place with kings,
For they lived in castles with cold walls of stone.
They wore heavy crowns and sat on hard thrones.
All of these things are completely annoying
When you live in the world that I've been enjoying.
If you want light, I've got it. Hot water? That too.
In sumer, my house stays at 72.
The laundry and dishes clean all by themselves.
Any fruit any season, is stored on my shelves.
If you think that is something, well, it's just a start.
Forthcoming is the most amazing part...
I can talk to my mother, face to face,
While she's in an entirely different place.
I never turn wrong when I travel by car.
I can tell you the name and the place of each star.
Whenever I write, it is with perfect spelling.
My grammar is flawless, my quotations telling.
And if that doesn't make your impressometer hum,
I do it all using only my thumbs.
And then just because I'm such a tease,
I'll translate it instantly into Chinese.
I can make all my photographs perfect and polished,
Add graphics and captions, make my subject more tallish,
Then send it to each one in my family,
And it takes, in seconds, about 73.
When it comes to the body, I don't like to gloat,
But I've become a triathlete using just my remote.
And if yours is in pain, or it smells like King Kong,
I'll Google your symptoms and tell you what's wrong.
I could go on so long about my ability
My list would reach clear to the Sea of Tranquility.
So, please, Mister Majesty, retain your Land.
I may not be ruler, but I feel like I am.